Skip to content

What about Porn Star?

October 24, 2010

I recently received an email notice about a new cephalopodtastic children’s book.

Perhaps I’d like to view a preview pdf? I was coyly asked. Most certainly! I vigorously replied.

Here you go, I was told as the pdf arrived. And we look forward to your review!

Uh, oh. Someone in PR is not carefully vetting their blog-recuits.

I like kids ok. I even have one who calls me pop. But you may be surprised to learn that I don’t let her read this blog. I may be a intromittent organ, but I’m not a monster, for fuck’s sake!

So let me be perfectly clear on where I stand with regard to minor readership: Hey you kids! Get offa my damn smutty lawn!

But that sure as hell doesn’t mean I’m not gonna review this book!*

Poor “Syd” (not his real name) is a squid saddled with eyebrows, a work ethic, and an unselfish nature. But times are tight — even, it seems, undersea; and so, like Tiktaalik before him, Syd seeks his fortune above the waves.

Under the tutelage of a heavily-networked young girl named “Alyce” (ditto), Syd meets one employer after another who are besuckered by his 10-armed potential. In response, he embraces each supplied opportunity with gusto. It does not go well.

Some choice examples:

  • Crossing guard: ends with inadvertent Tokyo-destroyed-ish carnage.
  • Sous chef: They serve seafood? Syd goes ALF, busts the menu-items out, and sets them free in the bay.
  • Hi-rise window washer: sucker prints all over the glass.
  • Dog walker: predictable entaglements.

Despondent, reduced by the free-market to sleeping on a ocean-park bench, Syd and Alyce spy drama on the open water: a sperm whale entangled in fishing net! Syd, subverting the cliché, does battle with the ropey captor and rescues the Moby from certain beaching and youtube-captured detonation.

Has he found his vocation? Um, not precisely. With no steady demand for whale disentanglers, Syd ends up at the aquarium, brushing the teeth of walruses and holding rings for leaping dolphins. But he appears fulfilled. And blissfully unaware of his co-option by the oppressive regime of animal enslavement.

It’s a pathos almost too much to bear. Poor Syd. Stockholmed. He should have quit while he was a ceph.

In all, an enjoyable lap-time read with a laudable choice for hero species. Not terribly scientifically accurate. The character of Alyce is woefully under-developed. But the mad-cap work-a-day hi-jinx are sure to entertain!

Note to unnamed publisher: I’d be happy to contribute a positive flap quote. But I’m afraid I’d have to use the term “bukkake”. Is that ok?

*Out of respect for SEO and sympathy for small kid lit publishers who don’t want their work covered in unsavory safe-search-off search-result ejaculate, I shall refrain from typing the title or author or publisher into the machine-readable content of this post.

No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: