Skip to content

100 year-old porn star: Lonesome George

March 28, 2010

Just take a look at that member! He is a *freak*!

As porn star names go, one could probably do better. But Lonesome George is not so named for pornographic or brooding existential reasons. Which is to say, he is named for the most literal of existential reasons: he is the last of the Galápagos Pinta Island Tortoises. All others of his kind having been eaten out their Pinta Island habitat by bloodthirsty vampire goats (I’m not 100% sure about the bloodthirsty vampire part) and then eaten out of their shells by bloodthirsty vampire sailors (this I am sure of), including, ironically, Charles Darwin himself (“By the way delicious in Soup”).

Our hero was found on Pinta in 1971 and promptly moved to the insensitively named (from a tortoise’s point of view) Charles Darwin Research Station on Santa Cruz island. There scientists set to work trying to cure George of his Lonesomeness.

*cue wacka-wacka guitar effects*

A rotating cast of lady tortoises from neighboring islands were offered up for George’s pleasure. Alas, no action. Sure, they’re of a different sub-species, but c’mon George!

A specialized tortoise fluffer* was employed to stroke George to attention (nice work if you can get it). George remained unmotivated.

Could George be impotent? Gay? Passive-aggressive?

But then in July, 2008, at the frisky age of 80 – 100 (a tortoise never tells) the long slumbering imperative began to seductively twitch. The first of three clutches of eggs were laid by George’s corral companions (alluring named Nos. 106 & 107), fertilized, it was hoped, with copious amounts of lonesome spooge. The hope was for naught.

In July of 2009 expectations and George’s libido again soared high as another egg-containing nest was laid in LG, #106, & #107’s enclosure. Another was found in October. But dastardly December dashed those expectations once again as the entire clutch was deemed infertile.

I have a turgid optimism for 2010.

Keep it up, George! I’m rooting for you. You are a potent inspiration for lonesome guys everywhere, and their misogynist fantasies of being the last man alive on earth, stranded on a forlorn island with only a bevy of exotic women to help repopulate the species.

Go you randy tortoise, you!

* The fluffer, otherwise known as Sveva Grigioni, actually deserves a few slightly more dignified words of tribute for her 1994 volunteer work with George while she was a graduate student.

From an article written by Michael Shermer reviewing the book Lonesome George: The Life and Loves of a Conservation Icon:

Grigioni first practiced this process on other male tortoises, and she was able to produce an ejaculation inside 10 minutes. But George has been lonesome for a very long time and when she entered his pen, “He was very shy at the beginning. He was such a big animal and he was so afraid.” Grigioni spent days habituating herself to him so that she could finally touch and stroke him. Nothing. Grigioni then smeared her hands with genital secretions from females of a closely related tortoise species, and that at least got a look at George’s penis, which appeared to be in good working order. But the subsequent attempts to get an ejaculation, or to get him to mount a female, failed. As Grigioni explained: “Day by day, he started to be more interested in the females. He started to try copulation but it was like he really didn’t know how.”

It’s enough to make one weep, isn’t it?

No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: